“Your Parents’ Money”

www.flickr.com/photos/alexsegre/

On Sunday, 10/26 I read a great post over at Wide Open Wallet about our parents, their finances and if we should care how they spend it.

This is a very touchy subject to the elderly; I’m not sure why exactly, other than they have a deep-rooted fear of being broke with no place to go. These feelings can stem from a great many things, and in the case of my elder, it’s because a younger sibling of mine told my elder (at least according to my elder), “When you run out of money, you’re out of here.”

My Mom (while she was alive), and my Dad purchased a home that my brother and sister-in-law were renting but were soon to be evicted from. They lived in NM and my parents lived in SoCal. Mom & Dad sold the ‘family home,’ moved to NM, bought the house that my brother was being evicted from, and allegedly, then paid my brother rent to live there.

About 3 years later, Mom got sick and passed away. This was allegedly when my brother made the statement about Dad running out of money. Now Dad is so paranoid about not having any money that he contributes nothing to the household at all and he never has. He contributes absolutely no financial support, even though he likes certain cereals, certain fruits, drinks a certain milk, etc. These items add to the grocery bill, but that doesn’t matter to him at all.

Conversely, he does pay his own way in that he pays his own auto insurance (I paid it for about 6 mos.), he buys his own clothes when he replaces anything and has his own spending money. He buys his own medications, pays his own medical bills, etc., but I do think that at some point, his financial upkeep will become my responsibility, so I feel it’s my “right” to know where he stands financially.

I will never kick him out or put him in a home simply because he has no money. I believe that it’s wrong for any child to do that to a parent, yet I hear and read of family putting family ‘out on the street’ when their money runs out. What kind of child, or parent for that matter, can do that to their own family? That’s certainly not the way I was raised, yet my brother actually allegedly said that very thing to our Dad. My brother is a rare breed of selfish, know-it-all, ungrateful, hateful, lying, vengeful people, so while a part of me was stunned he would say something like that, deep down I guess I wasn’t really surprised.

The fear that he has also stems, no doubt, from having lived through the great depression, remembering what it was like to earn $1 a week, having a $90 house payment in 1959 that he worried about being able to make and looking around today to $4 for gas, paying $25,000 for a car (which he did, by the way), his $90 house payment “then” not even buying groceries “now,” and I understand to a point how and where his fear comes from. What I don’t understand, and find very hard to accept, is that he can listen to me lament the this and that of my finances, and not offer a dime in help.

This past week alone, I’ve had to dig into my reserves and pay out in excess of $1,400 to keep my Big Rig on the road, yet Dad doesn’t say a word nor offer up money. Maybe he doesn’t understand that if I’m on the street, so is he!

So how do you handle situations like this, or have you been able to get your elders to openly discuss and divulge where they stand financially, and what, if any, impact their passing might have on you and your family?

“My” Elder

by [NERO]

Every article I’ve read lately, that discusses this very topic of mine, unfortunately, paints a picture of those caring for elders that are in ill health, have no money of their own, are deep in debt, totally invalid, can’t drive, see, walk and a myriad of other ‘ailments.’

Let me assure you that I’m among the most lucky, in that my elder, who will be 92 years young in a matter of days, is financially secure, still drives, reads, carries a cell phone (paid for by me), receives Social Security benefits, has a pension, and is in great health for a person his age. His bones ache every now and then, but at 92, ‘something’s gonna hurt,’ I tell him. You can’t have it all, though I know he’d like to.

I’ve noticed lately that he moves a little slower in the mornings, but by noon it seems the stiffness has left his joints, mainly his legs. He seems to think (and remember, he knows it all!) that a little Physical Therapy will take care of that, and he doesn’t/can’t understand why the doctor doesn’t just order that up. I’ve explained to him that you pretty much have had to have been in an accident, had a stroke or something else debilitating enough to “warrant” PT; they don’t just throw PT sessions around. He wants to be able to touch his toes, and can’t understand why he can’t.

He has problems putting his socks on in the morning, and has on occasion asked either my daughter or me to put them on for him. He wants us to get him some baby powder on our next trip to Target or Wal-Mart, because he believes the baby power will help him put his socks on.

I just finished reading an article on how an 84 year old new retired woman had no pension due to her having worked decades for the family business. It turns out the business wasn’t worth much when she sold it, so her 50-something daughter bought the house next door to her own, and moved her Mother out to live next door. The 50-something has gone into debt to see to it that her Mother continues to enjoy some modicum of independence, yet she’s basically putting her own life on hold in order to do this. She’s the one in debt; she’ll have to work longer now and put off her own retirement; she buys all the food, does all the cooking, and makes ‘extra’ so that Mom will have something to eat all week; she no longer goes on shopping trips with friends, and the word vacation is alien sounding to her now that she’s gone into debt for her Mom.

Is this really what we’re supposed to do? How did it get this bad for our parents, and how, as a society, can we fix it or come to a happy medium where no one feels any financial pinch while giving back to our parents what they unselfishly gave us to begin with?

What are you doing; what are your tricks; where have you had to sacrifice and cut back; are you supporting your elder in other ways as well? What suggestions do you have or what do you think we can do to fix this?

Let’s hear from you,

Big Rig Problem

Big Rigs
Originally uploaded by mts83

You will, every once and a while, see a “random” post that just doesn’t make any sense, especially in light of what my blog is about. The elderly, our parents, or whomever, that we are now an address with.

My profile alerted you to my owning a Big Rig, that I don’t drive it, have a wonderful driver, but it does give me its share of grief, and I’m never amazed by the two cents my Dad will throw in, especially because owning a Big Rig and being a woman do not go hand in hand.

She broke down last weekened, with the ultimate problem (this time) being the #5 Injector. $710 later, and a couple of hours, she was “on the road again,” only to literally break down Monday night south of Santa Barbara. Add in a $1,056 tow bill, it was determined that the #5 Injector that was put in on Saturday was B-A-D, and was replaced, “free of charge” to me, except for the $1,000+ in towing fees. My mechanic is going back to the vendor, in this case Freightliner (or so I’m told) to have his part replaced for free (something to do with a warranty...you think so? After 2 days...), and I need your advice.

Should my mechanic also get the Freightliner folks to reimburse me the $1,056 towing fee, or do you think the mechanic did something wrong, and is just blaming the Freightliner part? Of course upon hearing the #5 Injector went out, Dad pipes in with, “they don’t cost more than $100,” but he thought the injector was for my Kia, not my Big Rig (listen up, Dad...).

Please share your thoughts, suggestions and ideas on how I might be able to recoup that money. With diesel fuel what it is, and getting 6 miles to the gallon, do I really also need a $1,000+ tow bill when it wasn’t anything that either myself, my driver or the rig actually did?

I’m listening and thanks in advance to all for putting thought into this for me!

“More Parents Move In”

(From USA Today, 9/28/08) (Photo by British American)

“In the 1990’s, your family came for dinner. Now they’re moving in.”

The number of parents, siblings and other relatives who live with adult head of households grew 42% from 2000 to 2007, according to data released today by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Leading the way: parents, up 67%, to 3.6 million.

The figures suggest it isn’t only elderly parents moving in. The number of parents under 65 in these households increased by 75%, and those 65 and older were up 62%. Both groups outpaced the number of people in family households overall, which is up 6% since 2000.

“This is just a major trend,” says Stephanie Coontz, a family history professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA., who directs research at the Council on Contemporary Families.

Coontz suspects that a host of factors – among them higher housing costs and the USA’s struggling economy – are prompting families to combine expenses. Also, intergenerational households are common among the country’s growing number of immigrants, she says.

But Coontz also notes that parent-child relationships are closer now than in the past. The downside, she says, is the emergence of the so-called helicopter parent who may hover too closely, but the upside is a tighter bond between generations, and in many cases, closer friendships between grown children and their parents. “I don’t know how many of my students have told me, ‘this may sound weird, but I talk to my parents more than I talk to my friends’.”

The average size of both families and households grew from 2000 to 2007, the data show, after shrinking slightly in the 1990’s. The average family in 2007 had 3.2 people, up from 3.14 in 2000. The average household, which includes those in which someone lives alone, had 2.61 people in 2007, up from 2.59 in 2000.

Among other factors changing households:

A 40% increase in the number of other live-in relatives, including the head of household’s mother-in-law or father-in-law, to 6.8 million.

A 24% increase in the number of live-in brothers and sisters, to 3.5 million in 2007.

An 8% increase in non-relatives, including unmarried partners and roommates, to 6.2 million.

Alaska has the highest percentage change in parents living with householders, up 167%. South Dakota had the lowest, still up 7%.

The Census Bureau’s annual American Community Survey collects data from about 3 million U.S. households each year.

Find this article at:
http://www.usatoday.com/printededition/news/20080923/1a_bottom23.art.htm?loc=interstitialskip

Senior Driving

(From AAA's Westways Magazine)

Senior CarFit

To commemorate Senior Safe Mobility Week, October 19-25, 2008, the Auto Club is co-sponsoring the first ever CarFit event on the Central Coast. Scheduled for October 18 at the Goleta Valley Community Center (California), the program will teach seniors how to drive more safely and comfortably.

For more information about this event, contact the Auto Club Community Affairs at 714.885.2312.

This sounds like something our Senior(s) should attend if at all possible, and I'd like to gently suggest you go with them. This could very well lead to an unwelcome discovery, that at whatever tender age they may be, perhaps they need to hang their keys up permanently. On the other hand, it could give us some peace of mind if/when we discover that our Senior is still well within driving safely and comfortably.

Please let me know if you and your Senior attend, and how informative, comprehensive and enjoyable it may have been for all involved.

Thank you,

“Driving Age”

(From the CA DMV website) – “Did You Know that there are more than 5.5
million drivers over the age of 55 in California? More than 2.5 million
are 70 or older.”

This is a very, very touchy subject at my house, but a concern for everyone who has a driver license. “At what age should driving privileges be revoked?” or more important, should the driving privileges of an elderly person ever be revoked? That’s certainly a ‘loaded’ question, and that’s our topic today.

Regardless of what the elder tells you, the consensus is that over 70 (I picked that age) a driver’s ability to react swiftly, accurately and without hesitation diminishes drastically. That almost goes without saying, but I feel it needs to be stated and re-stated. At a certain age, and that age could be different for all elderly people, their ability to be “safe” on the road becomes a concern for us all.

My Dad was a terrible driver in the 70’s, so trust me when I say that he hasn’t gotten any better, and in fact, I worry every time he gets behind the wheel of his car. (We’re going to leave his choice of cars for a different topic.)

My Dad has a valid Arizona Driver License, but not a valid California Driver License. He simply could not pass the behind-the-wheel test at our local DMV office, but of course he says it’s because they’re “out to get him.” My Dad thinks everyone’s ‘out to get him,’ from the DMV to the corner mini-mart. That translates into difficult and argumentative conversations, but those are for later, too.

So I gently remind Dad that he has 10 days in CA to get a valid DL if he’s a resident. He moved from NM to AZ to CA once my Mom died in 2004. He’s been in CA for almost 2 years, but still drives on the AZ license, which I might add, doesn’t expire until he’s 96! What is that state thinking? No wonder when their residents come to CA we’re forever honking and telling them to get the hell out of the way. I think AZ lets their residents drive until they die behind the wheel (kidding, just kidding).

The CA DMV has great resources for the “Senior Driver” that are available here. If you’re in another state I encourage you to search your local Department of Motor Vehicles for specific Senior Driver information, or send a comment or e-mail and I’ll try to find it for you. Remember to tell me what state I’m searching for.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I’m not saying that all ‘elderly’ people should give up their driving. My Dad firmly believes it’s his right to drive, and I believe he has to earn the right to drive in this state. That’s why there are rules, regulations, laws and testing to be sure that any individual, regardless of their age, is capable of doing just that. All of us on the roadways have the right to be safe, so that 90 year old in the next lane, going 25 on I10, needs to pass the same tests I do, and maybe even more. I don’t know about you, but I want to be absolutely certain, or as certain as I can be, that all elderly have undergone the same testing requirements as I have, or whatever each state deems necessary in order to ensure they are still “capable” of driving at that age.

Possibility or a Reality?

Have you recently either a) moved in with your (elderly) parents, or b) had your parents move in with you? Have you faced the “challenge” of your parent(s) getting older and resembling someone you barely know? Have you been faced with your parent(s) declining health or mental status? Have you been faced with a poor (or rich) economic standing of your parent(s)?

You’re not alone! Either moving in with, or having them move in with you has almost become the ‘norm’ today, and it seems to be the way a lot of us (or our parents) are either choosing to do, or doing it out of necessity, that brings many challenges that have to be faced by all parties.

This is what this blog is about; I will preface this blog with the fact that I am not a ‘professional writer,’ though it’s been a lifelong dream of mine to “pen” something, and I once read that “Within every Gemini is the ability to write a really good trashy novel.” Yes, I’m a Gemini, but please don’t let that deter you.

I have had both parents live with me, when they were both (almost) at death’s door, only to have them up and leave to live with a younger sibling, to now having my almost 92-year old father living with me. I am certainly no authority, at least not yet, on this subject, but I’m confident that together, we can all ensure our sanity and we’ll all get through this changing time in our lives.

I will concede as well, that it can’t be easy on our parent(s) if they’ve had to move in with us, but that’s no excuse for some of what I’ve encountered in the 18 mos. since my father moved in.

I’m a widow with 2 adult children at home, and 2 (precious and beautiful) grandsons, ages 8 & 23 mos., at home. We live in a 4-bedroom, 2 bath mobile home in Southern California, in the Inland Empire, where we experience extremely high temperatures, as well as extremely low temperatures (30’s). We’re in a 4 Star park, and live like any other neighborhood in the US. I’m sure we’re also not unique in our situation, though I can’t find anyone to share my trials and tribulations with, so I figured ‘I’d do it myself,’ and this was born.

I hope you’ll not only join this journey, but take an active part in it by sharing your experiences, or by letting me know that this is something you find yourself faced with and are struggling to make the “right” decision. By “right” decision, I mean not only for you and your family if you have one, but for your parent(s). This is not an easy thing to do, but the alternatives aren’t always better, either.

If your parent(s) are not financially stable, the alternatives are too horrendous to consider. If they cannot afford to keep their home (as an example), where can they go? Assisted living?

Would you want to do that, when elder abuse has become an issue in America, not to mention the cost (+$2,500/mo). Living with other elderly (as in sharing a home) “strangers” that could rob them blind, murder them in their sleep, poison them…see where I’m going with this? We almost don’t have a choice but to take them in, do we? Could you live with yourself if you turned one or both of your parents away because you didn’t want to be “bothered” with them, didn’t have the room, didn’t have the time? Trust me; if you have a conscience, you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if they weren’t in your care.

Introduction

(From The Orange County Register)

Room for parents. High housing costs and a lack of retirement funding may see boomers moving in with their adult kids - not the other way around. University of California, Irvine, profession John Graham has been studying the situation since 1997 and concludes that many aging boomers will begin moving in with their children en masse in the next five years.

That's what this is all about, and I strongly encourage everyone to get involved, because if it's not happening to you yet, it will, and you need to be prepared. Let's work together, and let's "talk" about this.