In the last couple of weeks, our “elder” has recited a couple of instances where he’s gotten “lost.” He’s made his way home, without any outward signs of distress or long lasting ill effects. It does make me wonder whether or not he was “lost,” or suffered a momentary random lapse of memory. We all do this, though with my Dad, who tends to be somewhat dramatic, anything that happens is never his fault, so in both cases, it wasn’t his fault, rather, “someone” had moved the street signs on him.
I look at it this way; he has been a SoCal resident for some 60+ years, granted not all in the Inland Empire locale, but he’s been in that area off and on for the length of time that I’ve lived in the IE and that’s been at least 30 years, so how come, all of a sudden, he forgot where Euclid Ave. was? He says “they moved the street signs on me,” and that’s all well and good, but landmarks should have told you where you were, so this has us more than a little concerned and worried.
I have to constantly remind myself, and he won’t admit it, he is going to be 93 years old in a few months, and there’s going to be a certain amount of things forgotten, or lost from his memory. Call it what you will. I’ve gently tried to remind my daughter, and drive home this fact; if he calls on his cell phone and can’t find his way home, then we have a big problem and one we will not be able to ignore.
Have you had to cope with sudden, random forgetfulness, and if so, how did/do you handle it?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
“The Question”
I haven’t posted in a very, very long time, and it’s for one reason only:
“Is Anybody Out There?”
Since I’ve never received any responses, comments, or even the occasional, “are you crazy” question, it’s hard to know if I’m being read.
If anybody’s reading, please let me know! There are so many things to discuss, cover, explore and share, but without an audience, I’m doing this only for me, and I want to get input from you, the one having issues, trials and tribulations, problems, whatever, with you ‘elder,’ that we can all learn from.
“Is Anybody Out There?”
Since I’ve never received any responses, comments, or even the occasional, “are you crazy” question, it’s hard to know if I’m being read.
If anybody’s reading, please let me know! There are so many things to discuss, cover, explore and share, but without an audience, I’m doing this only for me, and I want to get input from you, the one having issues, trials and tribulations, problems, whatever, with you ‘elder,’ that we can all learn from.
Anybody there?
Monday, October 27, 2008
“Your Parents’ Money”
www.flickr.com/photos/alexsegre/
On Sunday, 10/26 I read a great post over at Wide Open Wallet about our parents, their finances and if we should care how they spend it.
This is a very touchy subject to the elderly; I’m not sure why exactly, other than they have a deep-rooted fear of being broke with no place to go. These feelings can stem from a great many things, and in the case of my elder, it’s because a younger sibling of mine told my elder (at least according to my elder), “When you run out of money, you’re out of here.”
My Mom (while she was alive), and my Dad purchased a home that my brother and sister-in-law were renting but were soon to be evicted from. They lived in NM and my parents lived in SoCal. Mom & Dad sold the ‘family home,’ moved to NM, bought the house that my brother was being evicted from, and allegedly, then paid my brother rent to live there.
About 3 years later, Mom got sick and passed away. This was allegedly when my brother made the statement about Dad running out of money. Now Dad is so paranoid about not having any money that he contributes nothing to the household at all and he never has. He contributes absolutely no financial support, even though he likes certain cereals, certain fruits, drinks a certain milk, etc. These items add to the grocery bill, but that doesn’t matter to him at all.
Conversely, he does pay his own way in that he pays his own auto insurance (I paid it for about 6 mos.), he buys his own clothes when he replaces anything and has his own spending money. He buys his own medications, pays his own medical bills, etc., but I do think that at some point, his financial upkeep will become my responsibility, so I feel it’s my “right” to know where he stands financially.
I will never kick him out or put him in a home simply because he has no money. I believe that it’s wrong for any child to do that to a parent, yet I hear and read of family putting family ‘out on the street’ when their money runs out. What kind of child, or parent for that matter, can do that to their own family? That’s certainly not the way I was raised, yet my brother actually allegedly said that very thing to our Dad. My brother is a rare breed of selfish, know-it-all, ungrateful, hateful, lying, vengeful people, so while a part of me was stunned he would say something like that, deep down I guess I wasn’t really surprised.
The fear that he has also stems, no doubt, from having lived through the great depression, remembering what it was like to earn $1 a week, having a $90 house payment in 1959 that he worried about being able to make and looking around today to $4 for gas, paying $25,000 for a car (which he did, by the way), his $90 house payment “then” not even buying groceries “now,” and I understand to a point how and where his fear comes from. What I don’t understand, and find very hard to accept, is that he can listen to me lament the this and that of my finances, and not offer a dime in help.
This past week alone, I’ve had to dig into my reserves and pay out in excess of $1,400 to keep my Big Rig on the road, yet Dad doesn’t say a word nor offer up money. Maybe he doesn’t understand that if I’m on the street, so is he!
So how do you handle situations like this, or have you been able to get your elders to openly discuss and divulge where they stand financially, and what, if any, impact their passing might have on you and your family?
This is a very touchy subject to the elderly; I’m not sure why exactly, other than they have a deep-rooted fear of being broke with no place to go. These feelings can stem from a great many things, and in the case of my elder, it’s because a younger sibling of mine told my elder (at least according to my elder), “When you run out of money, you’re out of here.”
My Mom (while she was alive), and my Dad purchased a home that my brother and sister-in-law were renting but were soon to be evicted from. They lived in NM and my parents lived in SoCal. Mom & Dad sold the ‘family home,’ moved to NM, bought the house that my brother was being evicted from, and allegedly, then paid my brother rent to live there.
About 3 years later, Mom got sick and passed away. This was allegedly when my brother made the statement about Dad running out of money. Now Dad is so paranoid about not having any money that he contributes nothing to the household at all and he never has. He contributes absolutely no financial support, even though he likes certain cereals, certain fruits, drinks a certain milk, etc. These items add to the grocery bill, but that doesn’t matter to him at all.
Conversely, he does pay his own way in that he pays his own auto insurance (I paid it for about 6 mos.), he buys his own clothes when he replaces anything and has his own spending money. He buys his own medications, pays his own medical bills, etc., but I do think that at some point, his financial upkeep will become my responsibility, so I feel it’s my “right” to know where he stands financially.
I will never kick him out or put him in a home simply because he has no money. I believe that it’s wrong for any child to do that to a parent, yet I hear and read of family putting family ‘out on the street’ when their money runs out. What kind of child, or parent for that matter, can do that to their own family? That’s certainly not the way I was raised, yet my brother actually allegedly said that very thing to our Dad. My brother is a rare breed of selfish, know-it-all, ungrateful, hateful, lying, vengeful people, so while a part of me was stunned he would say something like that, deep down I guess I wasn’t really surprised.
The fear that he has also stems, no doubt, from having lived through the great depression, remembering what it was like to earn $1 a week, having a $90 house payment in 1959 that he worried about being able to make and looking around today to $4 for gas, paying $25,000 for a car (which he did, by the way), his $90 house payment “then” not even buying groceries “now,” and I understand to a point how and where his fear comes from. What I don’t understand, and find very hard to accept, is that he can listen to me lament the this and that of my finances, and not offer a dime in help.
This past week alone, I’ve had to dig into my reserves and pay out in excess of $1,400 to keep my Big Rig on the road, yet Dad doesn’t say a word nor offer up money. Maybe he doesn’t understand that if I’m on the street, so is he!
So how do you handle situations like this, or have you been able to get your elders to openly discuss and divulge where they stand financially, and what, if any, impact their passing might have on you and your family?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
“My” Elder
Every article I’ve read lately, that discusses this very topic of mine, unfortunately, paints a picture of those caring for elders that are in ill health, have no money of their own, are deep in debt, totally invalid, can’t drive, see, walk and a myriad of other ‘ailments.’
Let me assure you that I’m among the most lucky, in that my elder, who will be 92 years young in a matter of days, is financially secure, still drives, reads, carries a cell phone (paid for by me), receives Social Security benefits, has a pension, and is in great health for a person his age. His bones ache every now and then, but at 92, ‘something’s gonna hurt,’ I tell him. You can’t have it all, though I know he’d like to.
I’ve noticed lately that he moves a little slower in the mornings, but by noon it seems the stiffness has left his joints, mainly his legs. He seems to think (and remember, he knows it all!) that a little Physical Therapy will take care of that, and he doesn’t/can’t understand why the doctor doesn’t just order that up. I’ve explained to him that you pretty much have had to have been in an accident, had a stroke or something else debilitating enough to “warrant” PT; they don’t just throw PT sessions around. He wants to be able to touch his toes, and can’t understand why he can’t.
He has problems putting his socks on in the morning, and has on occasion asked either my daughter or me to put them on for him. He wants us to get him some baby powder on our next trip to Target or Wal-Mart, because he believes the baby power will help him put his socks on.
I just finished reading an article on how an 84 year old new retired woman had no pension due to her having worked decades for the family business. It turns out the business wasn’t worth much when she sold it, so her 50-something daughter bought the house next door to her own, and moved her Mother out to live next door. The 50-something has gone into debt to see to it that her Mother continues to enjoy some modicum of independence, yet she’s basically putting her own life on hold in order to do this. She’s the one in debt; she’ll have to work longer now and put off her own retirement; she buys all the food, does all the cooking, and makes ‘extra’ so that Mom will have something to eat all week; she no longer goes on shopping trips with friends, and the word vacation is alien sounding to her now that she’s gone into debt for her Mom.
Is this really what we’re supposed to do? How did it get this bad for our parents, and how, as a society, can we fix it or come to a happy medium where no one feels any financial pinch while giving back to our parents what they unselfishly gave us to begin with?
What are you doing; what are your tricks; where have you had to sacrifice and cut back; are you supporting your elder in other ways as well? What suggestions do you have or what do you think we can do to fix this?
Let’s hear from you,
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Big Rig Problem
You will, every once and a while, see a “random” post that just doesn’t make any sense, especially in light of what my blog is about. The elderly, our parents, or whomever, that we are now an address with.
My profile alerted you to my owning a Big Rig, that I don’t drive it, have a wonderful driver, but it does give me its share of grief, and I’m never amazed by the two cents my Dad will throw in, especially because owning a Big Rig and being a woman do not go hand in hand.
She broke down last weekened, with the ultimate problem (this time) being the #5 Injector. $710 later, and a couple of hours, she was “on the road again,” only to literally break down Monday night south of Santa Barbara. Add in a $1,056 tow bill, it was determined that the #5 Injector that was put in on Saturday was B-A-D, and was replaced, “free of charge” to me, except for the $1,000+ in towing fees. My mechanic is going back to the vendor, in this case Freightliner (or so I’m told) to have his part replaced for free (something to do with a warranty...you think so? After 2 days...), and I need your advice.
Should my mechanic also get the Freightliner folks to reimburse me the $1,056 towing fee, or do you think the mechanic did something wrong, and is just blaming the Freightliner part? Of course upon hearing the #5 Injector went out, Dad pipes in with, “they don’t cost more than $100,” but he thought the injector was for my Kia, not my Big Rig (listen up, Dad...).
Please share your thoughts, suggestions and ideas on how I might be able to recoup that money. With diesel fuel what it is, and getting 6 miles to the gallon, do I really also need a $1,000+ tow bill when it wasn’t anything that either myself, my driver or the rig actually did?
I’m listening and thanks in advance to all for putting thought into this for me!
My profile alerted you to my owning a Big Rig, that I don’t drive it, have a wonderful driver, but it does give me its share of grief, and I’m never amazed by the two cents my Dad will throw in, especially because owning a Big Rig and being a woman do not go hand in hand.
She broke down last weekened, with the ultimate problem (this time) being the #5 Injector. $710 later, and a couple of hours, she was “on the road again,” only to literally break down Monday night south of Santa Barbara. Add in a $1,056 tow bill, it was determined that the #5 Injector that was put in on Saturday was B-A-D, and was replaced, “free of charge” to me, except for the $1,000+ in towing fees. My mechanic is going back to the vendor, in this case Freightliner (or so I’m told) to have his part replaced for free (something to do with a warranty...you think so? After 2 days...), and I need your advice.
Should my mechanic also get the Freightliner folks to reimburse me the $1,056 towing fee, or do you think the mechanic did something wrong, and is just blaming the Freightliner part? Of course upon hearing the #5 Injector went out, Dad pipes in with, “they don’t cost more than $100,” but he thought the injector was for my Kia, not my Big Rig (listen up, Dad...).
Please share your thoughts, suggestions and ideas on how I might be able to recoup that money. With diesel fuel what it is, and getting 6 miles to the gallon, do I really also need a $1,000+ tow bill when it wasn’t anything that either myself, my driver or the rig actually did?
I’m listening and thanks in advance to all for putting thought into this for me!
“More Parents Move In”
“In the 1990’s, your family came for dinner. Now they’re moving in.”
The number of parents, siblings and other relatives who live with adult head of households grew 42% from 2000 to 2007, according to data released today by the U.S. Census Bureau.
Leading the way: parents, up 67%, to 3.6 million.
The figures suggest it isn’t only elderly parents moving in. The number of parents under 65 in these households increased by 75%, and those 65 and older were up 62%. Both groups outpaced the number of people in family households overall, which is up 6% since 2000.
“This is just a major trend,” says Stephanie Coontz, a family history professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA., who directs research at the Council on Contemporary Families.
Coontz suspects that a host of factors – among them higher housing costs and the USA’s struggling economy – are prompting families to combine expenses. Also, intergenerational households are common among the country’s growing number of immigrants, she says.
But Coontz also notes that parent-child relationships are closer now than in the past. The downside, she says, is the emergence of the so-called helicopter parent who may hover too closely, but the upside is a tighter bond between generations, and in many cases, closer friendships between grown children and their parents. “I don’t know how many of my students have told me, ‘this may sound weird, but I talk to my parents more than I talk to my friends’.”
The average size of both families and households grew from 2000 to 2007, the data show, after shrinking slightly in the 1990’s. The average family in 2007 had 3.2 people, up from 3.14 in 2000. The average household, which includes those in which someone lives alone, had 2.61 people in 2007, up from 2.59 in 2000.
Among other factors changing households:
A 40% increase in the number of other live-in relatives, including the head of household’s mother-in-law or father-in-law, to 6.8 million.
A 24% increase in the number of live-in brothers and sisters, to 3.5 million in 2007.
An 8% increase in non-relatives, including unmarried partners and roommates, to 6.2 million.
Alaska has the highest percentage change in parents living with householders, up 167%. South Dakota had the lowest, still up 7%.
The Census Bureau’s annual American Community Survey collects data from about 3 million U.S. households each year.
Find this article at:
http://www.usatoday.com/printededition/news/20080923/1a_bottom23.art.htm?loc=interstitialskip
The number of parents, siblings and other relatives who live with adult head of households grew 42% from 2000 to 2007, according to data released today by the U.S. Census Bureau.
Leading the way: parents, up 67%, to 3.6 million.
The figures suggest it isn’t only elderly parents moving in. The number of parents under 65 in these households increased by 75%, and those 65 and older were up 62%. Both groups outpaced the number of people in family households overall, which is up 6% since 2000.
“This is just a major trend,” says Stephanie Coontz, a family history professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA., who directs research at the Council on Contemporary Families.
Coontz suspects that a host of factors – among them higher housing costs and the USA’s struggling economy – are prompting families to combine expenses. Also, intergenerational households are common among the country’s growing number of immigrants, she says.
But Coontz also notes that parent-child relationships are closer now than in the past. The downside, she says, is the emergence of the so-called helicopter parent who may hover too closely, but the upside is a tighter bond between generations, and in many cases, closer friendships between grown children and their parents. “I don’t know how many of my students have told me, ‘this may sound weird, but I talk to my parents more than I talk to my friends’.”
The average size of both families and households grew from 2000 to 2007, the data show, after shrinking slightly in the 1990’s. The average family in 2007 had 3.2 people, up from 3.14 in 2000. The average household, which includes those in which someone lives alone, had 2.61 people in 2007, up from 2.59 in 2000.
Among other factors changing households:
A 40% increase in the number of other live-in relatives, including the head of household’s mother-in-law or father-in-law, to 6.8 million.
A 24% increase in the number of live-in brothers and sisters, to 3.5 million in 2007.
An 8% increase in non-relatives, including unmarried partners and roommates, to 6.2 million.
Alaska has the highest percentage change in parents living with householders, up 167%. South Dakota had the lowest, still up 7%.
The Census Bureau’s annual American Community Survey collects data from about 3 million U.S. households each year.
Find this article at:
http://www.usatoday.com/printededition/news/20080923/1a_bottom23.art.htm?loc=interstitialskip
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Senior Driving
(From AAA's Westways Magazine)
Senior CarFit
To commemorate Senior Safe Mobility Week, October 19-25, 2008, the Auto Club is co-sponsoring the first ever CarFit event on the Central Coast. Scheduled for October 18 at the Goleta Valley Community Center (California), the program will teach seniors how to drive more safely and comfortably.
For more information about this event, contact the Auto Club Community Affairs at 714.885.2312.
This sounds like something our Senior(s) should attend if at all possible, and I'd like to gently suggest you go with them. This could very well lead to an unwelcome discovery, that at whatever tender age they may be, perhaps they need to hang their keys up permanently. On the other hand, it could give us some peace of mind if/when we discover that our Senior is still well within driving safely and comfortably.
Please let me know if you and your Senior attend, and how informative, comprehensive and enjoyable it may have been for all involved.
Thank you,
Senior CarFit
To commemorate Senior Safe Mobility Week, October 19-25, 2008, the Auto Club is co-sponsoring the first ever CarFit event on the Central Coast. Scheduled for October 18 at the Goleta Valley Community Center (California), the program will teach seniors how to drive more safely and comfortably.
For more information about this event, contact the Auto Club Community Affairs at 714.885.2312.
This sounds like something our Senior(s) should attend if at all possible, and I'd like to gently suggest you go with them. This could very well lead to an unwelcome discovery, that at whatever tender age they may be, perhaps they need to hang their keys up permanently. On the other hand, it could give us some peace of mind if/when we discover that our Senior is still well within driving safely and comfortably.
Please let me know if you and your Senior attend, and how informative, comprehensive and enjoyable it may have been for all involved.
Thank you,
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